Celebrities are a weird bunch. They live a life many of us will never understand. Famous people are used to getting whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us can only dream of experiencing the lifestyle of the rich and famous. But all the time they spend being pampered and having their every whim catered for can make them a little kooky.
It’s not unusual for a celebrity to make outlandish claims in interviews or funny celebrity quotes that have us everyday folk scratching our heads. While many funny quotes are just that, some are strange, non-sensical, and downright weird. To highlight just how funny famous people can be, we’ve gathered together some funny celebrity quotes for you to enjoy below.
90 Weird and Funny Celebrity Quotes
Actors and Actresses
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At the top of the food chain when it comes to celebrities, actors and actresses always provide a few good laughs when it comes to funny quotes. As you will discover when reading below, famous people are far from normal.
1. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields
2. “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” – Charlie Sheen
3. “I think that the film (Clueless) was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” – Alicia Silverstone
4. “I’m thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, ‘Why stop at one?’ I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.” – Robert Downey Jr
5. “If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” – Marilyn Monroe
6. “I’ll be on my third honeymoon, so I’m more of an authority than I care to be.” Alan Thicke
7. “This week’s celeb news takeaway: she who comes closest to showing the actual inside of her vagina is most popular. #stopactinglikewhores” – Rashida Jones
8. “Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for 90 seconds at a time.” – Bill Murray
9. “I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it.” – Sarah Jessica Parker
10. “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
11. “Detroit, the heart of the country… I grew up on 10 Mile, 2 miles better than 8 Mile.” – Kristen Bell
12. “The only happy artist is a dead artist because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.” – Sylvester Stallone
13. “I love to eat an apple after a meal, just to cleanse my teeth – they always look polished afterward.” – Catherine Zeta Jones
14. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” – Ryan Reynolds
15. “I’m now convinced that I’m a doctor. I mean, if someone says they have a pain, I’m like, ‘Well, that’s your spleen.’” – Olivia Wilde
16. “I happen to believe that no one inherently deserves anything, except basic human rights, and not to have to watch an ad before you watch a trailer on YouTube.” – Mindy Kaling
17. “Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.” – Betty White (from The Golden Girls)
18. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey
19. “I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.” – Angelina Jolie
20. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
21. “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” – Tara Reid
22. “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis
23. “Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
24. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
25. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
26. “I like women, I don’t understand them, but I like them.” – Sean Connery
27. “Instant gratification takes too long.” – Carrie Fisher
28. “The secret to a happy marriage? Do whatever your wife tells you. ‘Yes, dear.’ And breathe.” – Denzil Washington
29. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.” – Emilia Clarke
30. “I love them. Love them. I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is.” – Sienna Miller
Sport Stars
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Athletes are just like anyone else, except they are extremely talented at their chosen sport. Despite this can come out with some hilarious quotes. Sometimes on purpose, other times accidentally. Either way, these quotes will have you giggling.
31. “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” – David Beckham
32. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vince Lombardi
33. “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” – Joe Theismann
34. “Who the fuck is this guy?” – Connor McGregor (after being interrupted by a fighter at a UFC press conference)
35. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd
36. “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.” – Wilt Chamberlain
37. “I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.” – Muhammad Ali
38. “How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?” – Allen Iverson (taken from the infamous practice speech)
39. “I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.” – Terry Bradshaw
40. “We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.” – Bobby Robson
41. “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs we went to.” – Shaquille O’Neil (when asked if he visited the Parthenon when in Greece)
Musicians
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Similar to actors and actresses, musicians live in their own world. They don’t exactly understand the everyday trial and tribulations we go through, which often results in some hilarious funny quotes about love, life, and other celebrities.
42. “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” – Christina Aguilera
43. “Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.” – Cher
44. “I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do… He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.” – Justin Bieber
45. “Kanye West is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote Me.” – Pink
46. “I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can’t understand what the fuck I’m talking about.” – Ozzy Osborne
47. “The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” – Britney Spears
48. “If I were a painter, I would paint beautiful bodies — I would paint nipples, and I would paint Bibles. Am I going to say, ‘I’m not going to paint this woman’s neck because people will think I just want to lick on necks?’ Please! That’s not what art is about.” – Will.i.Am
49. “People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” – Jessica Simpson
50. “How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?” – Jaden Smith
51. “I don’t know if this is too much…but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm.” – Lady Gaga
52. “My career is like an artichoke. People might think that the leaves are tasty and buttered up and delicious, and they don’t even know that there’s something magical hidden at the base of it. There’s a whole other side of me that people didn’t know existed.” – Katy Perry
53. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
54. “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” – Axel Rose
Talk Show Hosts and Comedians
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Considering they spend their lives talking day in and day out to famous people, it’s no surprise that talk show hosts often say ridiculous things. The same goes for comedians, who talk rubbish all the time. While usually not serious (they do make jokes for a living), they will have you cracking up at some of the absurd things they come out with.
55. “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.” – Conan OBrien
56. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
57. “I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.” – Ellen DeGeneres
58. “I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.” – David Letterman
59. “I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” – Chris Rock
60. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
61. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
62. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
63. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Influencers
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Ok, they might not be true celebrities, but in the current day and age influencers are the bee’s knees. YouTubers, Instagram models, and people like Kim Kardashian are the new celebrity of the modern era. They are never shy to disclose personal information about themselves for more likes and really only care about getting more famous. That’s why they always provide some great funny celebrity quotes.
64. “I couldn’t care less if they [the media] say I’m pregnant with twins by my brother.” – Kim Kardashian
65. “I don’t really think, I just walk.” – Paris Hilton
66. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” – Kate Moss
67. “The hamster has finally figured out her wheel. Is it possible for her to exercise too much? Should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness Instagram.” – Chrissy Teigen (on Twitter)
Everyone Else
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This category contains people who are known for their achievements. Inventors, Presidents, scientists, and other famous people that have been responsible for some of the funniest celebrity quotes.
68. “The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.” – Stephen Hawking
69. “He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.” – Michelle Obama
70. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” – Tom Clancy
71. “As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!” – Coco Chanel
72. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
73. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
74. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas A. Edison
75. “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.” – Mark Twain
Kanye West
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We couldn’t write about celebrity quotes without including Kanye West. But as the rapper, producer, and fashion designer has provided so many laugh-out-loud moments, we’ve decided to give him his own section. Below you will find some of the funniest, strangest, and most egotistical quotes that could only come from the mouth of West.
76. “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.”
77. “Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”
78. “People be feeling like I’m cocky because of the shit that I say; if you could imagine the shit that I think.”
79. “Man … ninjas are kind of cool … I just don’t know any personally”
80. “I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
81. “If I don’t win, the award show loses credibility.”
82. “So I’m going to be one of the biggest real estate developers of all time, what Howard Hughes was to airlines, and what Henry Ford was to cars, and just the relationships I have to architects…I’m tired of the McMansions. That s**t is wack. It’s trash bruh…Unless it’s Howard Backen. We’re going to develop cities.”
83. “When I talk it’s like a painting.”
84. “I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.”
85. “Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I’m looking to have a conference…not until I get the table though.”
86. “Sometimes I push the door close button on people running towards the elevator. I just need my own elevator sometimes, my 7-floor sanctuary.”
87. “I would like to thank Julius Caesar for originating my hairstyle.”
88. “I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”
89. “I always misspell genius SMH! The irony!”
90. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”
