As I write these lines, Damien Abad has been Minister for Solidarity for barely five days, the ministry in charge of health, prevention, social affairs and solidarity. All nice and benevolent stuff, not at all the kind of ministry one would want to give to someone accused of rape or who is cited in a case of attempted murder for which he would have been wiretapped. However, this is indeed the case of Damien Abad who after not even a week in office already has more pans than a kitchen store, so we will prepare you for the rest by giving you the next scandals that could break out.
1. The covid patient zero was him
A contact who wishes to remain anonymous showed me a video surveillance image of Damien Abad leaving the laboratory in Wuhan in 2019 quietly with his baguette under his arm. We see him blow his nose and kiss everyone he meets in the street. Well the video is blurry and we can’t see much but now there’s no doubt it’s him.
2. The validation of the construction of football stadiums in Qatar was him
The case of football stadiums with thousands of deaths continues to be written about: thousands of workers exploited in atrocious working conditions who die so that fans can sit and watch football matches c isn’t pretty, but now we know it’s his signature at the bottom of construction estimates, another reason to Boycott the World Cup in Qatar.
3. The cook of the clandestine dinners was him
Since the start of this affair, it has been clear that Pierre-Jean Chalençon is a complete invention to cover up Damien Abad, I know him he is the unofficial double of Polnareff, I have already seen him at a show at the Grand Carrefour de Lorient. Already the first name does not exist, we say Jean-Pierre, not Pierre-Jean. Not even damned to invent a credible person these idiots.
4. The scandals of the other ministers it was him
The Darmanin, Dupond-Moretti, Blanquer, Griset, Lecornu, Benalla, Ferrand, Flessel, Nyssen, De Rugy, Delevoye, Buzyn cases (that Macron government ministers indicted at certain times of their mandate) it was him at the final. He’s been pulling the strings in the shadows since the beginning, this evil puppeteer.
5. Marlène Schiappa’s books were him
Since becoming minister Marlène Schiappa has written 10 books, which is not humanly possible to do when you work as much as she does at her post. So there was necessarily someone who wrote in his place you think, and you think, it was Abad fucking, this Voldemort of the bookstores.
6. The stop of “Plus belle la vie”, damn it was still him
Thunderbolt, I managed to get my hands on an email from the production company NEWEN which produces More beautiful life And you know what ? It was Abad again who asked that the show be stopped because one day he ran into Roland during a weekend in Marseille and the actor refused to take a selfie with him.
7. The one who shit in Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s bed was him
The most publicized divorce in the history of divorces includes an absolutely disgusting anecdote, but everyone was wrong about the culprit: it was Abad who shit in the bed in order to throw the couple into turmoil. Nothing stops him.
8. The sinking of the Titanic was also this hater of ocean liners
When asked what he was doing on the night of April 14 to 15, 1912 Damien Abad eludes, tramples, hesitates. Supposedly he was not born but don’t take us for idiots, take a good look at the drawing we see him on the far left on the boat giving the middle finger to the sinking boat.
9. Arthur’s one man show was him
Not only did he write, direct and produce it, but he was also the one who played Arthur on stage, which was pretty well done. A show that is one of the darkest records of French culture, and of course it was Abad. Just like he was the one who did Shirley and Dino (the two more) in most of their sketches.
10. The crack in the Chernobyl reactor was him
As if by chance that day he passed his truck license near Pripyat, the city on the edge of the nuclear power plant. And coincidentally that day he had to make a niche at the edge of the reactor with his big truck. According to the examiner, he did not have the license “because he touched a wall during the maneuver”, I let you conclude with this image.
11. Patrick Balkany’s miracle cure was him
Remember: Patrick Balkany was in jail for (insert one of the many pre-existing charges against Patrick Balkany) and he was released for health reasons. Two days later he danced the carmagnole in Levallois during the music festival like a party under speed. Unbelievable ? Not when you know that Abad is also his attending physician and that he put him back on his feet in strange circumstances.
12. The broken vase at my mother’s was also that damn trickster
Fuck to say that we accused the cat for twelve years and that we never spoke to him again so much we all loved this vase. But now it’s good I understood everything in fact, it was still Damien Abad who came to fuck his shit thinking he would get away with it neither seen nor known.