One day you think you have reached a fairly high level of knowledge without considering yourself a genius, then you have a dinner where there are only lawyers and jurists and you quickly realize that the only person with whom you can having a discussion between equals is like the cat sleeping in the corner of the room. Some professions have really complex jargons, words of their own and a parallel language that only insiders know, often leaving others on the floor. We’re going to see some of them so we can finally stop feeling stupid.
1. Advertising / Communication
Their job is to sell you shit you don’t need and do it using a whole bunch of fancy words so you don’t realize they’re doing it to you backwards.
The signature phrase that no one understands: The CP is in conf’call with the devs because there are too many calls-to-action on the site, we will have to postpone this debrief on the cross-media until tomorrow.
The translation : Nobody knows what I do in the agency but I am very well paid.
2. Doctor
Not only is the language complex to understand, but sometimes you have to be able to read them (that’s the problem for pharmacists). And at the same time it seems normal that after eight years of study we gain a few more vocabulary words, but it’s also not worth inventing them half the time to tell it to ourselves.
The signature phrase that no one understands: A blood Doppler signal can be used to detect cerebral micro-emboli or else to appreciate the intrinsic variations of the energy therein during the different phases of the cardiac cycle.
The translation : The machine there, it does great things when it comes to checking people’s blood to see if everything is okay.
3. Commercial
In the commercial environment it is not uncommon not to pick up anything either, the problem is that in addition to being incomprehensible it is super boring. At least medicine can be a bit exciting, but listening to someone explain to you how he sells his palettes of box soup is not crazy.
The signature phrase that no one understands: He still had a secretary barrage in the middle of a phone call to nab a prospect, that wouldn’t happen in the middle of a B2B call.
The translation : Will you buy me this carton of fruit juice?
4. Lawyer / Jurist
If we understand lawyers and jurists so little, it’s probably to make it easier for them to get us out of our minds, or else they all test themselves during the trials to see who knows the most complicated words.
The signature phrase that no one understands: In industrial tribunal matters, the referral can be justified on the three grounds of urgency, manifestly unlawful disturbance and the granting of a provision.
The translation : Do you have enough to pay my client? Otherwise it’s badly crossed for your little mouth Mr Patrice.
5. Web developer (and web jobs)
We don’t understand when they speak, we understand even less when they write. But they are the architects of the internet and our software/applications. They have every right to make fun of us.
The signature phrase that no one understands: Back-end side we preferred to switch to a no-sql database, it avoids sql injections and finally we process a lot more data on the front side anyway.
The translation : The site is broken.
6. Mechanic
Those who have never needed to go to the mechanic for a breakdown or an overhaul are the lucky ones in this world. You come to change your rear-view mirror, you leave with a new car, there are so many rotten things that you hadn’t seen.
The signature phrase that no one understands: There your engine is badly locked, you have to change the cylinder head gasket, the connecting rods, the pistons and probably the crankshaft.
The translation : It’s going to be expensive, and it won’t be fixed for three weeks.
7. Research Scientist (yeah, that’s broad)
They are the ones that no one understands. Sometimes they themselves struggle with each other and half the time of their research is to try to decipher what a colleague told them during lunch.
The signature phrase that no one understands: In fundamental physics, string theory is a theoretical framework in which point particles in particle physics are represented by one-dimensional objects called strings.
The translation : I wear a blouse but in real life I never handle products that justify this garment. It’s really for people to understand that I’m doing important stuff.
8. Astronaut
It’s not necessarily a surprise that the aeronautical professions have a complicated jargon and require a lot of knowledge, most people don’t already understand three quarters of the stuff that happens on Earth, it’s not to try to understand what is happening around.
The signature phrase that no one understands: Fortunately, he came out with his thermal and superthermal plasma analyzer, otherwise the study of the composition of ions and their distribution in the Earth’s upper ionosphere would have been complicated.
The translation : I’m cold, I pissed in my jumpsuit and I’m going to have to eat soup for two months but other than that I can take great pictures of Earth from space for my Insta account.
9. Manager in the middle of the show
Generally they are dressed in black, they have bags under their eyes, they have been awake for two days and are holding on thanks to coffee. But we don’t understand them, their language can only be learned in the back of the control truck before 7am.
The signature phrase that no one understands: You file me your leatherman before going to place the blonde on the foot of 1000 with cinefoil to garden please Thierry?
The translation : I’ve just worked 18 hours in a row with a 20-minute lunch break, putting up with the whims of a not-so-funny star to learn his lyrics, all that for a film that’s going to have less than 20,000 admissions.
10. Priest
For people who haven’t read the Bible, attending a mass is like starting Marvel movies with the 24th, we understand that shit, even if we have the right to the translated version from Latin.
The signature phrase that no one understands: Blessed is he who helps everyone he can. A good man is he who benefits whom he can, and harms no one.
The translation : Jesus, he would have spent 20 euros to repair the roof of the parish, but if you want to be the big cheapskate, you won’t have to complain about going to hell.
11. Military
What’s unfortunate for the military is that with all the war movies we watch every year, we’ll end up understanding everything they say and they’ll have to find other ways to talk coded at the risk of screwing up all their operations.
The signature phrase that no one understands: After all that we just trudged, I want to see everyone in the flytoxed cockroach position in the guitounes while waiting for the juicy to arrive.
The translation : I’ve lost the keys to the tank but I look good looking at the horizon before accusing a new recruit.
12. Professor of Physics / SVT
It’s not really that we don’t understand them, it’s that the body refuses to hear and listen. It’s sad, because it’s a beautiful job.
The signature phrase that no one understands: Calm down and take your Erlenmeyer flask to pour some of the stinky product into it, the green there, we’re going to recreate the banana aroma.
The translation : Listen to me fucking I swear I have super useful stuff to teach you damn.