In this period of the World Cup, part of the population is sidelined, you know who I want to talk about and, by being part of it myself, it is quite logical that I take care of dealing with the subject: we will therefore talk people who don’t like football. Yes because often misunderstood and despised, these strange beings who generally live reclusive on themselves still have the right to a minimum of consideration.
1. What are they watching on TV?
The first question that may come to mind is indeed this, if they don’t watch football, what are they watching? Generally it can be films, series or other cultural or entertainment programs. They are less exposed to advertising than other people by about 85%, which is considerable. The only problem is that they get bored.
2. What do they do on match nights?
The reality is quite sad: not much. At least not more than the other evenings. Some roam the dark streets in search of another form of adrenaline to feel alive (which they often find in heavy drug use), others watch TV and still others read, but is rarer. It’s all done without any flavor or soul, as their glassy eyes reveal.
3. Do they have friends? Do they get together to do nothing?
Unlike people who like football, the others who we will now call Muggles have no choice in their friends, they are obliged to select theirs among other Muggles, under penalty of having to hang out with enthusiasts and not understanding anything about their discussions which talk about player transfers, the league cup and other Valbuena sextapes.
4. What do they support if it’s not a club?
Not much, in fact they don’t know the galvanizing fever that unites people around a club and the tremors of a delirious crowd. The only real opportunity they have to come close to this unique feeling is by looking glued to the glass inside a bar on a match night in the rain, like Quasimodo who watches normal people having fun in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
5. Do they have a soul?
No, obviously. But they still deserve some love, or failing that, attention.
6. Under what circumstances do they drink beer? Besides, have they ever tasted it?
It’s rare that it happens to them, usually it’s during very special events such as weddings / family reunions or, most of the time, at New Year’s. Sad, but it’s already nice to do one evening a year, that’s enough for me.
7. How will they tell their grandchildren about our time without talking about Ronaldo and Messi?
They can at best talk about the pandemic, perhaps politics or even the evolution of Portugal’s GDP, although… We would have to address Ronaldo’s jersey sales to really discuss this subject. No, in real life, they can only talk about super boring stuff and it’s mainly that most people who don’t like football don’t have children.
8. How do they dress when they play sports if they don’t have a football shirt?
Personally, I have to do my sport in the only outfit that I don’t use every day: the costume that I usually keep for funerals. It is super expensive in pressing but not the choice. If you have other techniques, I’m interested since I don’t feel justified in buying a PSG jersey.
9. Where do they accompany their kids on Sunday morning?
Family outings are rare when you don’t like football, because concretely, apart from taking the children to training, going to the stadium to see a match or going out to buy Messi’s new jersey, what do we can do well with his kids? We would be tempted to say that we can go to the park, but even there they could fall on other children with a ball, much too risky.
10. How do they decorate their interior, if they don’t have a poster or jerseys to hang?
When it comes to decorating muggles have few options: a poster of Bob Marley, a frame with a crap drawing by an unknown illustrator who sells his shit on the Lorient market or the network map bus from the city of Lyon. That actually doesn’t leave much choice, but such is their cross.
11. Do they know that their money is used to build big, expensive stadiums?
Most are aware of this and although they do not benefit from it they are quite proud of it. They tell themselves that it’s an investment in the future, that maybe one day they will understand the subtlety of watching 22 guys play with a ball for 90 minutes and then listen to five other guys around a set discussing what the 22 guys have just done, namely playing with a ball. And that day they will realize that they have invested their money well.
12. Are they virgins?
Well yes, what a question. Have you ever tried to conclude without addressing Bayern’s best attackers or without wearing Mbappé’s shirt?
You now know a little more about these strange people, but keep in mind that as special as these people are, they are still more respectable than tennis fans.