Believe it or not, everything you do in life has meaning. Your behavior, the things you buy, the stuff you say can easily allow anyone to guess every little bit of your personality (even the ones you try to hide under a mask of kindness). For example, if we look at the summer festivals you go to and the ways you wear your sweater, we can easily tell if you’re a hateful person or someone we want to have children with. Today, we are therefore looking at how you open your booze, your booze, your beer. Cheers Etienne.
1. With a bottle opener: you’re a big loser
Nothing succeeds in your life, not even your mobility which is lacking since you get stuck in your back as soon as you touch a tin can. You were kicked out of your insurance because you were too expensive (and you had too many penalties anyway) and no one wants to be seen in your presence because of your greasy feet and your foul, pestilential earth smell.
2. With a bottle opener-dick: you are related to Jean-Marie Bigard
You’re the kind of person who sings Sardou dressed in a Ricard bottle suit. One day, you even went to a club with all your friends, each wearing a T-shirt “You’re not the penguin who slips the most” or “I can’t, I got aqua- pony” with QR codes from your Instagram accounts printed on it.
3. With a shoe-bottle opener: you are an engineer.
Your parents did well to insist that you do a prep: today, you are the pride of your family thanks to your overpowered neurons and your super-trained hippocampus and neocortex. You are the one asked what to mark on your calculator to find the result “She fucks” and you are entrusted with the task of cutting the galette des rois into equal parts. So tell us, how does it feel to have such a big brain?
4. With your teeth: you are not afraid of death
For you, life is just a passing rain at the beginning of March, which you have to take advantage of as much as possible. That’s why every day that dawns, you begin to crunch your daily life to the fullest (and the sachets of sandwich bread) without worrying about the risks and the next day.
5. With a lighter: you like to attract attention
We don’t say that you are always looking to be at the center of discussions and to make everyone look at you, but we can agree that you are always looking to be at the center of discussions and to make sure that everything the world is watching you. You want to be the first person to say you’ve got what it takes when someone’s looking for something to light their cigarette and you want to be the one who stays on the dance floor the longest, even if we then have to t amputate your feet because of your blisters.
6. With the end of a fork: you are generous
Your friends call you Dodo because you give, you give, without counting (afterwards, it’s also because you were so busy being generous when you were six years old that you forgot to learn your addition tables) . You have the heart on your hand, and also the intestines and the pulmonary artery.
7. With a corner of the table: you have no respect
You piss on the principles, you shit on the laws and you vomit on the internal regulations of the André Dessaux elementary school in Orléans. You have neither morals, nor soul, nor faith, nor conscience, nor control (of your bladder in particular).
8. With another beer: you’re a good friend
You’re the type of person who phones their friends every morning to remind them to put sunscreen on their sweet faces even if it’s cloudy because the nasty UV rays can get through. You always think about preparing a little snack when you pick up your friends at the end of their work in case they have the slab. But above all, you opened a savings account in which you draw to furnish the apartments of your friends because your only goal in life is that they feel good in their daily lives.
9. With an A4 sheet of paper: you are pretentious
You like to tell it to yourself in the evening, especially when you talk about your unbeatable skills in hunting gulls with your bare hands or your collection of pebbles found 50 cm deep on Centenaire beach in Nice. Few people still manage to spend more than 10 minutes by your side because as soon as you open your mouth, it is to praise one of your many qualities (whereas reciting the alphabet while gargling is not not one).
10. With your strength: you are a Jedi
Your muscles are matched only by your extensive knowledge of the Galactic Republic and you have a 50cm Lego Death Star replica on the edge of your bathtub. You’ve already done research to find out if it was possible to marry Padmé Amidala and you only speak backwards by saying things like “Your jar of pickles, you will entrust me with.” With my big bibis, it will open”.
11. With your Alcoholics Anonymous 9th month token: you relapsed
It’s time to get help. You have a family that is counting on you.
12. With a chip: you have no practical sense
You usually cut your steak with a stainless steel water bottle and your alarm clock is a sound of silence. If we didn’t know you, we’d wonder if you wouldn’t be a little stupid by chance. In any case, according to a study conducted on 80% of the population, that’s what all the people who have never met you think.