Let’s go for the top HR that you will all follow diligently in order to reach professional nirvana by being hired in a start-up that manufactures AI capable of sorting chips. We’re going to talk CV. I personally cultivate a hatred of creative CVs of the genre “hehe I printed my resume on a cereal box” (asshole) so we’re going to put that aside and go straight to the point: here’s what you should stop putting in your resume.
1. Self-assessments on your skills
It’s funny: the phrase “I master Photoshop at 90%” is 90% of the time wrong. No, you don’t master the software at 90%, or at least you know absolutely nothing about it. It’s impossible to quantify. So stop, please.
2. Gauges to illustrate your mastery of software
It’s been at least 10 years that everyone fucks gauges everywhere to illustrate this irritable quantification that I just told you about above. Don’t you want to look like everyone else? So stop with the gauges. Move on. There are plenty of other ways to illustrate your skills, but I’ll let you find them because I’m not your parent.
3. “Photography” and “travel” passions
Unless you’re applying for a job as a travel journalist, know that we don’t care that you share the same passions as about 98% of the population. Yes: everyone loves photos and travel. It’s about as original as having two arms and two legs.
4. The intro that says: “passionate about commercial management since I was little, I will know how to be proactive…”
So already no, no one has been passionate about management since childhood. When you’re little, you like firefighters and eating BN, you don’t like management. And this “strength of proposal”, it fucks the blues and it stinks of LinkedIn hell. I didn’t even hire you and I already want to fire you.
5. Your victory at the World Snail Race Championship
It is certainly very strong on your part (well, on the part of your snail especially), but employers are not interested. I went to every employer on the planet and asked them between my eyes if they were interested. Their answer was an unequivocal “no”. You see ?
6. The mention “Intermediate level in Spanish”
When you only know how to say Hola and Playa (with a bad accent as well). If the job interview suddenly switches to Hispanic language, you’re going to get screwed quickly, my guy.
7. Your two-day courses that date back more than ten years
Two days of putting tape on big boxes is frankly not an experience worth telling. Save time for whoever reads your CV by throwing this line in the digital trash.
8. The mention “holder of license B” when you apply for a job as a chartered accountant at Defense
There’s a metro and about fifty buses to take you there, so who cares if you know how to press a clutch pedal.
9. The mention “Single” or “As a couple”
Honestly ? We fight the race. It was done at one time, I don’t really know why, but today, really, sincerely, frankly, we don’t give a damn.
10. A selfie of yourself
Well no actually. You thought it was a holiday album? You thought the employer was your buddy and you were going to go gudgeon fishing together? Did you think he was going to put some after-sun cream on your little sunburns after spending the day on a boat fishing for gudgeons? WELL NO. So put a serious photo worthy of the name.
11. Just a photo of you
Because your physique is really ungrateful and it’s not going to help you get this job.
12. Saying you babysat to add a line
Unless you apply for a job as a childminder, you stuff your derche with acacia honey. (That means we really don’t care)
13. I will say that you are flexible
We are not in accrosport in fact.
14. Put the college patent in your diplomas
Ouaaaaah too strong, did you get the patent mention well enough? Oh dear, you must be super smart, how not to hire you? Come on, get serious: fire that right away.